I Tear My Heart Open
by MeredithBrody
Summary: It's the eighth anniversary of Emily Brody's death, and Brody needs to depend on someone new. (Friendship)


**This is dedicated to Spo. Learning that Emily would have died around the same time you did, I gave her the same DOD as you. I still love you, I still miss you, and I still think about you often. I can't believe it's been 8 years.  
Shin xx**

* * *

 _ **I tear my heart open  
I sew myself shut  
My weakness is  
That I care too much**_

* * *

Eight years.

Today it was eight years.

That was the primary thought going through Meredith Brody's head this morning. Every year it had been the same. The first year had been the hardest. First she'd been marking weeks. Then months. Then the first anniversary had come and she'd found herself drunk in a bar. She hadn't remembered her own name. If James hadn't been visiting the country, hadn't found her, she didn't want to think what would have happened.

The second year had been a tiny bit easier. Not masses, but enough that she hadn't gotten so drunk she needed rescuing. She had escaped, sat in the middle of nowhere in a tent with a bottle of bourbon. She woke up the next morning not remembering anything, but she was alone, and that had kept her safe.

The third year she had been on an assignment, the first time she hadn't been able to escape from who she was to mourn her twin. She had, luckily, been able to communicate that she needed the time to be free. They had spent the night in the apartment they were sharing, and she'd spoken freely.

The fourth year she'd been with James again, and they'd stayed sober, sharing stories. She'd managed to tell stories of things they'd done in school, and it hadn't hurt quite so much. She'd told the story of Emily managing to actually cook the class hamster in a toaster. It had been an accident, and they had been 7. That was the first year she had felt normal.

The fifth year was her last move before she'd come here. She was not really sure what she'd done. Cedar Rapids was a nice place, but it wasn't as anonymous as Chicago had been, and James had been in the UK. She had considered going back to Michigan, but her mother had convinced her that would be a bad idea. They weren't close, and hadn't been since Emily had died. That was the year Brody had realised the relationship with her parents would never be repaired.

The sixth year had been the year of their high school reunion. They'd made it a memorial for Emily and the others who had died from their class. She'd gone, and she'd left early. It was too painful to stay. People who had never liked Emily pretending they were her best friends. It was tragic to see that had happened in the years since they'd all left.

Then there was the last year, her first year in New Orleans. She had had the day off, and she'd spent the day watching old home movies. It was the first time since moving to the city she hadn't felt like going out. She'd just wanted to pretend like she was sharing this place with her sister.

This year, the people here had come to truly care about her, but that was making it worse somehow. She loved everyone here, they had been good friends to her, but they hadn't been part of her journey here. It still felt strange for her to try and share that part of her past with them. She knew they would want to help, she knew they would want to do something to try and make it a little easier for her. But the truth was, nothing would make this day easier. Today, and her birthday, were the most painful days of her life.

So she just sat quietly in the office, doing her work and not bringing any attention to herself. She hadn't really wanted to talk, and she definitely didn't want any of them to start being protective or worried about her. Really, all she wanted was to forget that today was happening and move on with her life, and her mourning. "I wasn't sure you'd come in today." She heard from behind her, and that was the first time she realised it had gotten so late. It was also how she realised that Pride knew the significance.

"What else would I have done?" She shrugged, that was also true. She wasn't sure what else she would have done. She couldn't keep going to pieces one day every year. It would be too exhausting in the end. "Eight years ago today, I lost everything. I lost Emily, I pushed James away. Nothing will ever be the same as it was before."

"Merri." Pride chastised her lightly, and she knew that he was trying to be supportive. She didn't know why she was pushing him away, not letting him in to what was something that had haunted her for all eight of those years. Clearly he thought she should have done something, she wished she knew what.

"I didn't know what else to do, King, and I still don't." There was only one thing she'd normally do on a day like today that she hadn't done, and that was speak to James. Even the years they hadn't been nearby they'd spoken a little. Not this year. "I tried calling James, it's the one time of year we're guaranteed to talk, but I've no idea the time difference between here and Dubai." She sighed and just dropped the file, pretending it wasn't a shield she'd been holding to stop anyone bothering her.

"Let me help." Pride said, stepping up behind her and putting a hand softly on her shoulder. She had an urge to shrug it off, but she refused to let that urge win. She needed the support, and she needed someone who was willing to listen to her.

So after a second she looked at him, really just wanting to know how far he'd go, and what he'd do for her. "What would you do?"

"Talk. Tell me about Emily." He clearly knew what she was thinking, and why she was thinking it. He shrugged and nodded down the stairs to where their colleagues would normally be. "Patton, LaSalle and Percy are gone for the night."

"You sure you don't mind?" She asked, not wanting to bother Pride with her problems. She never wanted to bother anyone, because she should be strong enough to do it all on her own. She should be strong enough for it not to matter so much.

"No, come down, I'll make tea and I'll listen." Pride smiled squeezing her shoulder just once more. That was what she needed. Just another show of physical support, someone who was there to listen to her, to talk to her. It was something she hadn't had that much since James had moved abroad. It was important.

"Thanks." She nodded and smiled. It was time she let someone else in on this day, and let someone else prop her up. Just for a few hours. Emily would be proud that, eventually, Meredith had learnt how to let someone else in. Even if it had taken eight years. Sure, next year could be so very different, who said the ninth year would hurt any less. But she was going to be confident, and she was going to pretend this wasn't as bad as it felt.

* * *

 _ **And my scars remind me  
That the past is real  
I tear my heart open  
Just to feel**_


End file.
